Jesus is in turmoil.
He can’t stop thinking about you.
Every moment without you feels like eternity.
He blushes whenever someone mentions your name.
His heart skips a beat when you walk in the room
he’s in all of them.
Jesus lies awake at night trying to think of ways to get your attention.
He composes emails to you that never get sent.
He really has to force himself not to follow you home.
Jesus remembers every word you’ve ever said to him, and I mean every word
though to be fair, there aren’t very many.
Only on occasions,
when something feels like it’s about to go really wrong.
Once when your Nan died.
Yesterday, Jesus spent half an hour just trying out your name with his –
how good you would sound as a couple – Jesus and Shaun – or Shaun and Jesus?
He’s tried swapping surnames – both ways.
He thinks Jesus Penlington sounds marginally better than Alison Christ.
Jesus keys your name into Google at least twice a week
The results are always the same -
an obscure mention in someone else’s blog,
and the results of a judo competition when you were twelve -
but even so, it still makes him feel very slightly closer to you.
You see, Jesus wants to be with you all the time.
He could sit all night just watching you sleep
Sometimes he does,
but not very often,
in case you wake up and think he’s a psycho.
That might not help.
Jesus tries to say to himself, that he just wants you to be happy
but he doesn’t.
He just wants you to be happy with him.
Jesus bought the Zutons new album last week.
He overheard you mention that you like the Zutons.
If you ever come round, he’s not sure what he’ll do.
He might have to hide it in case you realise he only bought it
because of you.
But if he’s feeling confident, he’ll casually leave it out, and when
you see it he’ll go, “yeah, I love the Zutons – what –
you do too? Wow, that’s amazing! Hey, actually –
what a coincidence!
I have two tickets for their next gig,
and my mate’s just pulled out – I don’t suppose you’d …..
But it’s all just a fantasy,
cause what can he do if you don’t even seem to notice him?
You are Jesus’ hero and you haven’t got a clue.
Sometimes Jesus feels like you don’t even know he exists.
Download the audio file.
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We asked comic poet, entertainer and all-round lover of words Jude Simpson to write five ‘funny’ poems about Jesus for this site. And to document her creative process in an audio diary.
Jude spent the middle part of 2006 developing here ideas. Read and listen to them here.
Rejesus is looking for new content contributors: artists, writers, thinkers, coders, film makers, creatives. If you have a great proposal get in contact.
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