Jude Simpson’s poems

Jesus and the fish

Jesus always knew where to find the fish.
He had fish in his diet, he had fish on his dish.
He had fish in the sea, he had fish on the shore,
He came to disestablish the rule of law.

If you offered Jesus fish then he’d never say never.
Those omega oils must have made him dead clever.
He was quite a learned man, he was quite a deep thinker,
Jesus was a fish-lover; hook, line and sinker.

He was there with his Dad in the first place
when they made the first plaice.
They gave him a medal.  It said, “well done”.

Two ordinary boatmen were working on their schooner,
when Jesus walked up to them, whistling a tuna.
“You’ve got what it takes, mates, come and follow me,
I’ll teach you to wallow in a whole other sea.”

But they were feeling down and glum, “we haven’t caught a thing”
so Jesus pipes up, chirpily, “I’ll tell you where to fling
your nets – throw them that way - out to the right.”
“Yeah, that’s where we’ve tried Jesus, like all night…”

But something about him made them give it a try,
and suddenly the nets were full, and I’m not talking small fry,
and Jesus shrugged, “I always know where to find the fish.”
You’re a bit special, aren’t you, Jesus, they said,
and Jesus said, well, ish.

Jesus always knew where to find the fish.
If he fancied a kebab it would have to be shish.
He liked his seafood cooked with flair.
He didn’t approve of scampi underwear.

Peter and Andrew had started out as fishermen
Jesus came along and turned them into swisher men
travelling the land, making eloquent speeches,
preaching on the shore and the sea and the beaches.

People said, but aren’t they just uneducated work men?
Why doesn’t Jesus choose cool, Ben Sherman shirt men?
Why these commoners, hey, what’s the deal, man?
Jesus said, “I can find the real man
inside the eel man.”

Fish for your lives, and fish for your men
fish on the menu again and again. 
Fish on their own and fish in a pair.
Jesus liked fish he could easily share –
in that sense, he wasn’t a shellfish person

Fish in the rivers, fish in the streams,
fish in his stories, fish in your dreams,
he could bake ‘em and fry ‘em, both mackerel and cod.
He could use them to show you he really was God

‘Cause after his death, his friends were all sat
crowded together in a one-bedroom flat.
Some bloke said he’d seen Jesus, Monday last,
walking down the High Street, bold as brass. 

He claimed it meant Jesus must be alive.
Others said, pah!  Fish pie in the sky.
But as they puzzled over this fishy conundrum.
Suddenly, Jesus appeared, standing among them.

“Blistering Barnacles!  You scared me to death!
Jesus, what are you doing here?!”  They’re catching their breath,
“appearing like that.  Are you a ghost?”
“No I’m not, you mucker, give me some toast,

or a roast to eat, or whatever’s to hand
and I’ll show you I’m back - a real, living man.
Actually, I’ll tell you what would be really dee-lish.
A nice piece of fish.”

They all go quiet.  Someone hands him a plate,
He takes it. They all hold their breath and wait.
‘Cause they know no seafood, from sushi to octopus
Could ever go down a ghostly oesophagus.

But Jesus doesn’t hesitate, he chomps it down fast -
“Could I eat this nice, fresh haddock if I’d had it?” he asks
and even doubting Thomas had to shake his head.
When the chips were down, a fish had proved that Jesus was back from the dead.

Jesus always knew where to find the fish
He could feed five thousand in the time it takes to say, “peckish”.
He was a fish magician, a scale mathematician,
or was it a type of nuclear fish-ion?
Either way, Jesus was a man with manta-ray vision.

Jesus always knew where to find the fish.
Even the slippery customers, the ones with that mixture of wanting to be saved and not feeling they deserved to be saved,
Jesus found those fish too.
He wasn’t fooled by a fish in a stew.

During Jesus’ appearance on “fish is your life”,
they asked him, if you could fish for anything, what would it be?
a carp? a sturgeon? a salmon? a bream? 
Jesus said, I’d like to fish for every single person in the world, and
save them from their sins.
How you gonna do that, Jesus, that’s a pretty big wish?
Jesus said, there’s only one thing for it, I’ll have to go and die.
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